[ Technically he wasn't alone, but it wasn't with reliable people. Considering how long he was out there, he eventually just became one of the crowd in the den.
Sighing, Molly does as told, another kind of pliable in Fjord's soft hands and sighing with relief as the water touches his skin. ]
[ It's whatever day it wasn't yesterday. Fjord's yellow eyes have an orange darkness at the edges from the strain of tiredness and he needs a comb, but it's the bowed shoulders that tell tales about how much he feels rotten. Even so, his hands are steady on Molly. ]
Can you stay in here and get undressed by yourself? Your clothes need washing and I should grab us some breakfast.
[ He's managing to sit up on his own, at least, and gives the half-orc a nod. Molly doesn't remember a lot from yesterday, but he's well aware he's been an idiot. Again.
...Fjord didn't look great, either. Maybe they both overdid it.
Starting to take his clothes off, he throws all of it but his coat in a pile, folding the latter at least somewhat. ]
[ Piling Molly's clothes under an arm, he leaves without another word and quietly shuts the door. One of the maids in the hall catches sight of him and takes the clothes for laundering, asking if he needs anything which he declines, heading downstairs to the main floor where breakfast is just starting to be served to the other earlybirds. A platter of fruit and bacon is made for Molly, the same scarfed on the spot as Fjord's insides gurgle loudly, and he returns to Molly's room with it and a fresh jug of water. ]
If you eat, you'll feel better. They're washing your clothes now, by the way.
[ He sets the plate down on the bedside table, swaying a little. Maybe he ought to return to his own bed and drink some water ... ]
It's fine. [ He remembers a lot of what Molly said while high. The problem is, Fjord is starting to have trouble knowing what to believe and his headache isn't keen on making any decisions yet. He isn't sure Molly even knows what he wants, making the point moot. ] Just feel better.
[ Tiredly making his way to the door, he adds once half-outside, ]
I'm going back to sleep. Can you tell the others not to bug me today, please?
[ He doesn't know what he wants, that's the whole issue. Still, he really likes Fjord and Molly had been worried about messing up their friendship with sex... and here he is, making it messed up in the wrongest way.
He really wishes he could get back to the other night, when he was happy in Fjord's arms. ].
It's fine, Mollymauk. [ There's a harder tone to his voice for a moment that he doesn't ordinarily use, sighing as his shoulders slump. ] Don't get into any more trouble.
[ Fjord leaves before he has to listen to anything else, wanting to put some distance between them for the sake of his head and heart.
He spends the majority of the day in bed, nursing a hangover alone. Caduceus visits with some broth he made himself in the Chateau's kitchen and Fjord is such a tired mess he almost cries in relief, accepting the pat he gets on the head instead. Beau visits next, although she only sticks her head in the door and asks if he wants some hair of the dog that bit him, getting a resounding no to the offer of more ale. She doesn't pry, even if her gaze lingers and the hard line of her mouth is clearly holding in some choice comments about him and Molly.
Fjord emerges later the same evening, hungry again (the broth was nice but there wasn't much of it, lining his stomach) and looking vaguely groomed like he dragged a comb through his hair and put on a fresh shirt. Warily, he descends into the main hall. ]
[ Ouch. Full name. Not Molly and not Molls. The tiefling curls up a bit more, just watching as Fjord leaves. Once the door closes, he stays were he is, feeling like he's been gutted.
When Fjord arrives at the main hall, everyone's having dinner. Including one silent and tired-looking tiefling, leaning against Yasha. He hadn't touched his food and isn't participating in the chatter, instead just sitting there and sometimes rubbing the shell on his horn.
Noticing Fjord, he stands up to leave, but Yasha's hand pulls him back again. The Nein quiets down and everyone looks somewhat awkward or confused.
'Oh for fuck's sake, kiss and make up already!' Beau suddenly snaps, glaring at them both. ]
[ The controlled way he ignores Beau's outburst says a lot for how crappy he feels, calm to a fault. ]
I'm actually hungry, can someone pass me a plate? What's everyone been up to, today?
[ While Veth launches into some wild tales of what she and Caleb got up to at Yussa's tower, Fjord glances over his half a chicken at Molly, gaze flickering away if caught. The sight of the shell feels like a twisted mockery. ]
[ Beau mutters but hands him a plate, and the dinner discussion continues. Molly does send Fjord a look now and then, but after the second time it is ignored, he keeps himself busy by poking at the food again.
A million questions run into the tiefling's head, and he doesn't know how to fix this. He panicked, sure, and he said some hurtful things that he really shouldn't have. At the same time, they had an argument just the other day about how disconnected and broken he felt to the group, and Fjord had said he would only take what Molly would give. A day and a half later he says he was falling in love, and Mollymauk panics.
He had begged to be claimed, said he wanted to be Fjord's. It wasn't a lie... it all made him feel so good, so safe and like he was connected to life again. That he was someone when he was with Fjord and that it all made him happier that he's been his whole short life. That moment in the water could have stirred the most heartless of people.
Molly doesn't know how to apologize, and part of him is angry that he has to.
He stews in his thoughts until Yasha hands him a piece of bread and glares at him until he eats it. ]
[ He supposes one of them has to be the adult, but it can wait until Fjord has had some Queen's water fresh from the bar, in no mood for ale. The woman who serves him recognises him immediately and he finds himself thanking the red tiefling for taking care of his drunk ass the night before, earning a wave of No Big Deal. Everything else they say is between them and before he leaves the bar she pats him in the cheek, making his ears turn dark green as she warns him to stay sober another day (at least).
Back at the table, he catches Beau's meaningful eye and gives her one back, because he is getting to it, gods damn. He sips his drink, waiting for the conversation to wind down, and finds his gaze drawn sombrely to Molly again. ]
[ To be fair, Mollymauk has only lived for two years and neither of those included relationships above family and friends. Fjord would always be the one with more life experience, no matter how much the tiefling had thrown into his life at breakneck speed.
He feels terrible about it, though. Now that the anxiety has gone, all he wants is to undo it.
When the babbling and eating has turned to more quiet camaraderie with Caduceus coming to serve tea that he made in the Chateau's kitchen, he thinks about leaving - but then Fjord looks his way and Molly meets it briefly before looking down again. ]
[ As the rest of the Nein start to settle in for tea, Fjord steps up beside where Molly is sitting and waits to catch his notice. Failing that, he clears his throat and says in an undertone, ]
[ He was not prepared for Fjord to actually ask him to talk when they were still around the others, so Molly looks a little surprised as the half-orc steps up behind him and ask. Turning to meet those yellow eyes, the tiefling nods and detaches himself from Yasha, who gives him a little pat on the butt as he gets up. ]
Mine or yours?
[ A less fun thing to ask about room choices over. ]
[ It has some shitty memories from recent events but he'd rather be there than in Molly's right now. The silent trip to the room grates on his nerves, holding the door open for Molly when they get there and closing it on their heels.
Fjord folds his arms, steeling himself for what he has to say. ]
First, I'm sorry for saying what I did. I was thinking of myself and not what made you comfortable, it was selfish.
[ Molly doesn't care which room they are in, it seems like it would hurt just as much wherever they were. The silence is deafening in his ears, thundering beats that might be his heart or his brain (or both) trying to escape this.
Once they're inside, he opens his mouth and then shuts it immediately again as soon as Fjord speaks. ]
...wait, what? Why are you apologizing, I'm the one who was an asshole. [ He crosses his arms slightly, unsure about his stance now. ] I got scared and I said things that weren't true to push you away.
You said we fucked twice and you couldn't give me what I wanted, that wasn't untrue. I wanted to keep living in the perfect honeymoon period we had, maybe that's why it felt like falling, I don't know. You're the first person I've slept with who didn't make it seem like it was all physical so it's on me for being naive.
[ It felt, for a while, like he could trust Molly with all his heart; now, with it bruised and aching, he misses that closeness but is in no rush to open himself up the same way again. Beneath the Paladin stuff and new accent he's still the same Fjord that Molly met who closes himself off, doing it far less often now yet seemingly has a good enough reason to after Molly made a fracture in his soft heart and left him to deal with it. ]
...it wasn't just physical for me either, Fjord. You're also the first person I've taken to bed that I truly cared about.
[ He sighs, rubbing his face. That was the crux of it, wasn't it? ]
These two days... fuck, how has it only been two days, it feels like months? They were some of the happiest I've ever had. I've never felt so good in your arms and that's not the sex I'm referring to.
[ Molly's tail flicks and he tries to meet Fjord's eyes. ]
I think I panicked because I have feelings too, and I don't know what that means for us. For me. Shit, I'm really fucking good at being a disaster, case in point. I knew I was going to ruin it somehow, or feel trapped somehow.
[ There's a dry laugh. ]
I ran out to just be my wildest self and all I could think about was you. Nobody got me interested despite people trying to pick me up. So I just found myself a den and got really wasted.
If it wasn't just physical then I don't know why you had to run away! If you want your own space all you have to do is ask, I'm not an asshole trying to smother you.
[ He steps forward against his better judgement but following his heart, offering him a hand. ]
I ... I really don't want you doing that though, going out and taking drugs because of me. I was wasted and I was still scared to leave you alone as you slept last night.
I didn't say it was logical! I just... shit, Fjord, I've never had a relationship that's lasted over maybe a night or two. You weren't smothering me, you gave me plenty of outs. I just don't know what to do. It terrifies me to hurt you and yet that was exactly what I did.
[ He takes that hand, gently rubbing a thumb over the palm. ]
...yeah, I was probably overdoing it. I do stupid things sometimes, if you haven't noticed. [ Sigh. ] I just wanted it to stop hurting, because after I left your room I felt like something had carved a hole right through my gut, and nothing could heal that.
Honestly, I'm glad it hurt you to do that because I didn't know if it did.
[ He looks down, ashamed of his own bitterness. His jaw works as he tries to find the right words. ]
You did hurt me. Like — Like Sabian used to. Just fucking walking out, as if everything else between us didn't matter ... even if I was wrong to open my big mouth. I never thought you'd just leave.
[ That lavender tail comes to wrap around his own leg, and Molly's red eyes slip away from the half-orc's again. ]
That was not what that meant. It mattered to me, Fjord. It does matter to me because now I realize that having feelings for someone isn't frightening, but hurting them is. I don't ever want to be like that man.
[ Molly reaches up to touch the shell on his horn, worrying it between his fingers as he tries to find his words. ]
It wasn't wrong of you to open your mouth. None of this is your fault, you felt like you could share with me freely and I flounced. Even after saying and meaning everything I said while we were in bed.
[ He watches Molly as red eyes drift away, the sight of the shell doing things to his heart that he isn't sure he has any right to feel. Fjord listens, accepting that Molly knows he fucked up and appreciating the balm he gives Fjord's stupidity in thinking aloud in bed.
He doesn't know if it's enough. ]
I've never had a relationship, at least you've liked the people you've slept with. [ Fjord looks down then, shoulders slumping. ] I don't want to be with someone who can walk away from me that easily. It made me feel like I was nothing.
[ That was it, wasn't it? Fjord's relationships had been terrible and now he's just added to that. ]
You're not nothing, Fjord. Walking away wasn't easy, it fucking killed me as soon as my brain caught up with me and the panic died away. I'm not... I'm not like those people. I care so deeply about you, and somehow that malfunctioned into some fucked-up way to want to 'spare' you from dealing with me.
[ Turning, he goes to the door - but instead of leaving, he locks it. ]
I'm not leaving again unless you ask me to. I want this, us, but if I've fucked it up completely then I understand.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Sighing, Molly does as told, another kind of pliable in Fjord's soft hands and sighing with relief as the water touches his skin. ]
What day is it..?
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[ It's whatever day it wasn't yesterday. Fjord's yellow eyes have an orange darkness at the edges from the strain of tiredness and he needs a comb, but it's the bowed shoulders that tell tales about how much he feels rotten. Even so, his hands are steady on Molly. ]
Can you stay in here and get undressed by yourself? Your clothes need washing and I should grab us some breakfast.
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[ He's managing to sit up on his own, at least, and gives the half-orc a nod. Molly doesn't remember a lot from yesterday, but he's well aware he's been an idiot. Again.
...Fjord didn't look great, either. Maybe they both overdid it.
Starting to take his clothes off, he throws all of it but his coat in a pile, folding the latter at least somewhat. ]
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If you eat, you'll feel better. They're washing your clothes now, by the way.
[ He sets the plate down on the bedside table, swaying a little. Maybe he ought to return to his own bed and drink some water ... ]
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[ He picks at the fruits for a moment, settling on some melon with a bacon wrapped around it. ]
Fjord, I'm... I'm really sorry that I hurt you. It was cruel of me to say those things.
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[ Tiredly making his way to the door, he adds once half-outside, ]
I'm going back to sleep. Can you tell the others not to bug me today, please?
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He really wishes he could get back to the other night, when he was happy in Fjord's arms. ].
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
[ Molly sighs, closing his eyes. ]
...but we should talk later. It isn't fine.
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[ Fjord leaves before he has to listen to anything else, wanting to put some distance between them for the sake of his head and heart.
He spends the majority of the day in bed, nursing a hangover alone. Caduceus visits with some broth he made himself in the Chateau's kitchen and Fjord is such a tired mess he almost cries in relief, accepting the pat he gets on the head instead. Beau visits next, although she only sticks her head in the door and asks if he wants some hair of the dog that bit him, getting a resounding no to the offer of more ale. She doesn't pry, even if her gaze lingers and the hard line of her mouth is clearly holding in some choice comments about him and Molly.
Fjord emerges later the same evening, hungry again (the broth was nice but there wasn't much of it, lining his stomach) and looking vaguely groomed like he dragged a comb through his hair and put on a fresh shirt. Warily, he descends into the main hall. ]
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When Fjord arrives at the main hall, everyone's having dinner. Including one silent and tired-looking tiefling, leaning against Yasha. He hadn't touched his food and isn't participating in the chatter, instead just sitting there and sometimes rubbing the shell on his horn.
Noticing Fjord, he stands up to leave, but Yasha's hand pulls him back again. The Nein quiets down and everyone looks somewhat awkward or confused.
'Oh for fuck's sake, kiss and make up already!' Beau suddenly snaps, glaring at them both. ]
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I'm actually hungry, can someone pass me a plate? What's everyone been up to, today?
[ While Veth launches into some wild tales of what she and Caleb got up to at Yussa's tower, Fjord glances over his half a chicken at Molly, gaze flickering away if caught. The sight of the shell feels like a twisted mockery. ]
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A million questions run into the tiefling's head, and he doesn't know how to fix this. He panicked, sure, and he said some hurtful things that he really shouldn't have. At the same time, they had an argument just the other day about how disconnected and broken he felt to the group, and Fjord had said he would only take what Molly would give. A day and a half later he says he was falling in love, and Mollymauk panics.
He had begged to be claimed, said he wanted to be Fjord's. It wasn't a lie... it all made him feel so good, so safe and like he was connected to life again. That he was someone when he was with Fjord and that it all made him happier that he's been his whole short life. That moment in the water could have stirred the most heartless of people.
Molly doesn't know how to apologize, and part of him is angry that he has to.
He stews in his thoughts until Yasha hands him a piece of bread and glares at him until he eats it. ]
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Back at the table, he catches Beau's meaningful eye and gives her one back, because he is getting to it, gods damn. He sips his drink, waiting for the conversation to wind down, and finds his gaze drawn sombrely to Molly again. ]
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He feels terrible about it, though. Now that the anxiety has gone, all he wants is to undo it.
When the babbling and eating has turned to more quiet camaraderie with Caduceus coming to serve tea that he made in the Chateau's kitchen, he thinks about leaving - but then Fjord looks his way and Molly meets it briefly before looking down again. ]
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Do you want to talk now?
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Mine or yours?
[ A less fun thing to ask about room choices over. ]
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[ It has some shitty memories from recent events but he'd rather be there than in Molly's right now. The silent trip to the room grates on his nerves, holding the door open for Molly when they get there and closing it on their heels.
Fjord folds his arms, steeling himself for what he has to say. ]
First, I'm sorry for saying what I did. I was thinking of myself and not what made you comfortable, it was selfish.
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Once they're inside, he opens his mouth and then shuts it immediately again as soon as Fjord speaks. ]
...wait, what? Why are you apologizing, I'm the one who was an asshole. [ He crosses his arms slightly, unsure about his stance now. ] I got scared and I said things that weren't true to push you away.
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[ It felt, for a while, like he could trust Molly with all his heart; now, with it bruised and aching, he misses that closeness but is in no rush to open himself up the same way again. Beneath the Paladin stuff and new accent he's still the same Fjord that Molly met who closes himself off, doing it far less often now yet seemingly has a good enough reason to after Molly made a fracture in his soft heart and left him to deal with it. ]
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[ He sighs, rubbing his face. That was the crux of it, wasn't it? ]
These two days... fuck, how has it only been two days, it feels like months? They were some of the happiest I've ever had. I've never felt so good in your arms and that's not the sex I'm referring to.
[ Molly's tail flicks and he tries to meet Fjord's eyes. ]
I think I panicked because I have feelings too, and I don't know what that means for us. For me. Shit, I'm really fucking good at being a disaster, case in point. I knew I was going to ruin it somehow, or feel trapped somehow.
[ There's a dry laugh. ]
I ran out to just be my wildest self and all I could think about was you. Nobody got me interested despite people trying to pick me up. So I just found myself a den and got really wasted.
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[ He steps forward against his better judgement but following his heart, offering him a hand. ]
I ... I really don't want you doing that though, going out and taking drugs because of me. I was wasted and I was still scared to leave you alone as you slept last night.
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[ He takes that hand, gently rubbing a thumb over the palm. ]
...yeah, I was probably overdoing it. I do stupid things sometimes, if you haven't noticed. [ Sigh. ] I just wanted it to stop hurting, because after I left your room I felt like something had carved a hole right through my gut, and nothing could heal that.
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[ He looks down, ashamed of his own bitterness. His jaw works as he tries to find the right words. ]
You did hurt me. Like — Like Sabian used to. Just fucking walking out, as if everything else between us didn't matter ... even if I was wrong to open my big mouth. I never thought you'd just leave.
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[ That lavender tail comes to wrap around his own leg, and Molly's red eyes slip away from the half-orc's again. ]
That was not what that meant. It mattered to me, Fjord. It does matter to me because now I realize that having feelings for someone isn't frightening, but hurting them is. I don't ever want to be like that man.
[ Molly reaches up to touch the shell on his horn, worrying it between his fingers as he tries to find his words. ]
It wasn't wrong of you to open your mouth. None of this is your fault, you felt like you could share with me freely and I flounced. Even after saying and meaning everything I said while we were in bed.
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He doesn't know if it's enough. ]
I've never had a relationship, at least you've liked the people you've slept with. [ Fjord looks down then, shoulders slumping. ] I don't want to be with someone who can walk away from me that easily. It made me feel like I was nothing.
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You're not nothing, Fjord. Walking away wasn't easy, it fucking killed me as soon as my brain caught up with me and the panic died away. I'm not... I'm not like those people. I care so deeply about you, and somehow that malfunctioned into some fucked-up way to want to 'spare' you from dealing with me.
[ Turning, he goes to the door - but instead of leaving, he locks it. ]
I'm not leaving again unless you ask me to. I want this, us, but if I've fucked it up completely then I understand.
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